The True Origin of the Pinnipeds

I was recently reviewing a book about “pinnipeds” (the suborder pinnipedia includes seals, sea lions, walruses, etc.) and noted that the authors referred to the evolutionary development of the seal from the bear.  As the book is several years old, the authors might be forgiven for not being up to speed with the latest developments in evolutionary biology.  My purpose, therefore, is to set the record straight and to provide current information on the true origin of the pinnipeds.  As with most evolutionary stories, I am unable to point you to any useful data, but please rest assured that this account represents the absolute latest in evolutionary fantasy . . . oops, I mean “fact.”

In reviewing the features of the pinnipeds, I was startled to discover that the pinnipeds evolved not from the bear, but from the lion.  For example, homologous bone structure clearly points to the lion as the predecessor of the pinnipeds.  One need only take a cursory glance at the bone structures of the lion and the seal to note that both creatures have a skull, as well as four limbs used for locomotion.  In addition, both creatures have a rib cage.

External features also tell the evolutionary story: both creatures have two eyes, a nose, and a mouth.  Probably the most important aspect, however, is the whiskers.  While bears might have a handful of wimpy hairs on their snout, have you ever seen a bear with beautiful long sleek whiskers like the lion and the pinnipeds have?  I didn’t think so.

In fact, the physical similarities between lions and pinnipeds are so striking that it is difficult to comprehend how previous generations of biologists could have missed the obvious evolutionary link.  It just goes to show how much more advanced and complete evolutionary knowledge is today.

Finally, one of the most telling pieces of evidence about the pinnipeds is that our very language itself betrays their true origin.  After all, everyone knows that one of the most important groups of pinnipeds is the sea lion.

Based on the above, together with other overwhelming evidence that I am not at liberty to disclose, the true origin of the pinnipeds is no longer in doubt, and the lion may now take its rightful place, not only as king of the jungle, but as patriarch of the sea.

Eric Anderson

September 24, 2003

Updated February 10, 2004:

In what must be regarded as another overwhelming piece of evidence that the pinnipeds are descended from the lion, the news today reported that a sea lion had fled his ocean home in favor of the land.  Moved with longing to return to his ancestral beginnings, the sea lion displayed a lion’s heart in what can only be characterized as unusual bravery, by traversing some 65 miles from the sea and about a half mile from the nearest canal.  His ultimate demonstration of courage, however, came as the sea lion braved the California roadway.  Details can be found at:

http://www.cnn.com/2004/TECH/science/02/10/valley.seal.ap/index.html